Today marks one week of sobriety for me from Marijuana. It’s crazy to think that only 2 weeks ago nothing terrified me more than quitting my 21 year addiction to my steadfast friend and safe haven. Now here I am a week into life without my old friend. I’m still here, and I’m still ok.
It’s been challenging, but life without challenges isn’t very fulfilling. Getting high to numb emotional pain is like treading water. You may not drown, but you definitely aren’t moving forward either. It’s like being stuck with no hope of moving on to bigger and better things.
I refuse to hinder my life progress any further. I am finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. More so than I am ok with just being numb. This is the biggest escape from my comfort zone that I have ever made. Not having my “pacifier” when anger boils over, or stress becomes too much to bare is extremely difficult. Though difficult, I have learned it is still doable. As the saying goes: “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
I have made some tough choices in my life, as well as endured some difficult circumstances. The difference in those cases is that I had my coping mechanism right there to help me through the thick of it. Now I have to learn a whole new way of coping, and a whole new way of life.
My therapist is a tremendous help in that department. He has taught me grounding exercises, as well as breathing techniques to bring me back into the present moment. Being new at all of this, I am still struggling to utilize them every time I need them, but like everything else in life It takes practice and patience.
As far as physical and mental changes thus far….I have been tired, moody, irritable, less hungry (duh!), dreaming again (love this one!), stressed, and best of all more confident in my ability to accomplish anything I put my mind to!!
Have I had urges? Of course!! I wouldn’t be an addict if I didn’t. But I now know that I am in control of my actions and choices and not my emotions and impulses. Man that’s a great feeling…. I am in control of my life! Wow! For an addict, that means more than the best fucking drug induced high in all of the world!
I will always be an addict, and I will always have to remain dilligent with my coping skills, emotions, and stress levels to keep moving forward and to not slide down that slippery slope into a relapse. I will always need to be compassionate with myself, as self-hate is what brought me down this road to begin with.
I am on the track to lifelong recovery. I have an amazing support system with my Fiancé, best friend, kids, therapist, family, and of course the tribe at my MA meetings. I love them all for loving me unconditionally, and believing in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. It’s all onward and upward from here!